[ORP] Ettinford: A Tale by the Sea

[Aileigh]

For a moment, things felt right. Her mind found peace and she let the emotions drive her. Then, this time, Thea suddenly pulled away. The moment was over and the silence was broken. Aileigh felt a blush rise to her cheeks as her wife apologized. She shook her head, trying to find the appropriate words.

“Please don’t apologize.” She offered her hand in reassurance. “I’m just… Confused.”

The truth of her words was evident on her face, brows slightly furrowed with a half smile, trying to offer normalcy to the situation. Never would she had thought Thea would kiss her, in any situation outside of their public appearance. Their story was a love story, or at least that’s what they put forth. Behind closed doors, however, they were mere friends.

Until now?

“I was under the assumption you didn’t like me.” Her eyes swept downwards out of embarrassment. “Like me like that.”

Suddenly all the emotions she’d been feeling made sense. They just weren’t hers, which didn’t make sense.

“I can go.”

[Thea]

Aileigh was trying to reassure her which somehow made Thea feel worse. What had she been thinking to have done this? She did not like Aileigh like that. She was not attracted to women… or at least that was what she always told herself. Thea shook her head, taking another step away from Aileigh.

"I do not like you like that… I mean, I am not sure. No, I am sure. I am attracted to men and you are not a man. I should not have kissed you."

The thoughts in her head were too loud. The storm had moved from between the two spouses to crashing loudly inside Thea's head.

"No, you do not have to go. I will go. I need some air."

And with that, Thea turned and left. She did not look back, hastening down the stairs and out the doors. She practically sprinted across the lawn to the stables where she mounted a horse bareback and fled the scene.

She would not come back that day or the next. It was unclear where she went or when she would return… or if she would return.

[Aileigh]

Nearly three weeks had passed since the incident in the bedroom. Thea had yet to return, leaving Aileigh to worry and wonder. She was drowning in her thoughts over the situation. Thea kissed her. What did that mean? Did it mean anything? And what did that mean to her?

She spent her days caring for the children and writing. She found herself withdrawing a little bit from Andrzej, but they still had their quiet moments together. While she was often an open book to him, she did not tell him about what had happened with Thea. It served no point in telling, although it would explain her absence. She chalked it up to Thea being Thea and needing some time away from the children. She focused on things around the house and the building of the conservatory. It was Thea’s idea to add one to Ettinford and she couldn’t wait for it to be done.

Aileigh could not locate her wife through her attempts and resigned to the fact that Thea would come home when she wanted to. If she wanted to. What if she never returned? Aileigh felt a bit lost without her partner, not to mentioning the immense concern she had for her well-being. If Thea never came home, she could live “happily ever after” with Andrzej. To some in her situation, that may be the desired outcome. It was not to her though. Thea was a part of her life - a huge part of it - and she wanted to keep it that way.

The full moon was rising, orange and round, illuminating the world with its glow. She was outside, wandering restlessly. Andrzej was nowhere in sight and the children were asleep, letting her have some peace and quiet to herself. She took a seat on the grass and laid back with a sigh. The sky was clear; she found herself looking at the constellations.

[Thea]

Truthfully, she was not sure how long she had been gone. It felt like it had been only hours but yet years at the same time. She knew she must have been gone for a few weeks at least. The days blurred together with wine and spirits. She drowned the noise in her head each day until at night her head was silent again and she was able to find peace in slumber.

Just a few days before she returned to Ettinford, she met a man. This man held an uncanny resemblance to Aileigh… except for the part where he was a man. He had the same dark wavy hair and bright blue eyes. She would have sworn some of the features — the shape of his nose and the way he smiled were just like Aileigh but it was likely the alcohol that was blurring reality for her. They danced and kissed and drank the night away before going to bed entangled in each other's arms. When she woke up she left the stranger a goodbye.

It was this interaction that made her return home. It was not a conscious decision to return to her wife and kids. It was as if her body decided for her, carrying her home to the familiar house and the familiar grounds. Maybe it was not her body, but her heart… Thea was not ready to think about that still. Her brain was not sure if she was ready to come back, or if she wanted to come back at all.

It took several days on horseback to return home as she had managed to put a good distance between herself and what she was running from. The journey made her weary. With each passing mile, the nerves in her stomach were building. It felt as though her stomach was filled with a thousand knots. What if Aileigh told her to just leave again? Well, there was only one way to find out.

As she arrived at the estate she slowed the horse to a trot. It did not take her long to see Aileigh as she had already been outside prior to Thea's arrival. Seeing as her wife had keener hearing than any human, she likely knew Thea was approaching before Thea even spotted her.

She dismounted the horse a few yards from Aileigh.

"I am sorry I ran away."

[Aileigh]

It was strange to hear hoof beats at night around the estate. Everyone was in for the night and she was not expecting anyone. She sat up, but remained seated to see if she could tell who it was without getting up. The horse came into view and she caught her breath. Finally, her wife was home.

She stood up to meet Thea, closing the distance between them with an embrace. She hugged tightly, refusing to let go for a moment before releasing Thea. She took a long look at her wife, noting the exhaustion on her face.

“Thank you for coming home. I’ve been worried sick…” She said truthfully. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m sorry for what happened…”

The kiss, the last interaction they had before Thea bolted. In truth, Aileigh should not have been so surprised by the running away, but it hurt. Just a bit. She had replayed the moment over and over in her head since that morning. What did she do wrong? How could she had reassure her differently?

She didn’t know.

[Thea]

Relief flooded over her body as Aileigh closed the gap between them. They embraced and Thea wrapped her arm tightly around her wife. She truly had not realized how much she missed her. She would not have minded if Aileigh kept holding her, but they did separate.

Thea looked over Aileigh at the same time her wife looked over her. Aileigh's blue eyes looked tired but she looked otherwise healthy and well. It was hard to tell in the moonlight, but she thought she could see a slight rounding of her spouse’s abdomen.

"I am sorry for making you worry. I… I needed space to process. Everything was so confusing, and it still is if I am being completely candid."

[Aileigh]

Following their separate apologies, Aileigh nodded. She couldn’t blame Thea for running. It was one way the woman dealt with things and Aileigh understood that. In fact, sometimes she wanted to run away from problems too. She just never had the courage to do it. In some ways, she thought Thea was much more courageous than herself.

“Please sit with me. We can talk for however long you want.”

Aileigh sat down without waiting for a response, fighting a bout of nausea. She took a sip of grape juice, only to find her exposed cup now had a bug in it. Grumbling, she dumped the juice and sat the goblet down, not having brought anything to refill it with. She only meant to be outside for a little while, but now she wished she brought snacks and a drink to keep the morning sickness at bay.

“I missed you.” Bright eyes flicked to meet their stormy counterpart. She clasped her hands together on her lap to keep from fidgeting. “I’m glad you’re okay. I really was worried when I didn’t hear from you. It’s been three weeks.”

Her tone was neither angry nor cold, but instead sad, her worries conveyed in her quiet words.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s been going through your mind. I’m here to help. In life and in death, right?”

[Thea]

The invitation to talk as long as she wanted was daunting. Thea felt like a small child who was unable to use her words to articulate her thoughts. She followed Aileigh to sit on the ground where the grass tickled at her legs. This might not be the most ideal place for them to talk, but it was quiet and it was private.

"I missed you too."

Thea then sighed. Those words were easy, but everything else felt more difficult.

"I was scared."

She hated admitting that to herself, let alone saying that out loud. She gulped air and swallowed quickly before continuing.

"I had never considered anything beyond a platonic partnership with you. I was happy with that… but then started feeling jealous. I chalked this up to my fear that you wanted to replace me and what we had with Andrzej. It was more than that though…"

"I do not generally find myself attracted to women. I admire their beauty, certainly, but that is where it typically ends. Then, after our argument, I felt… drawn to you. I felt very sudden, but I think it was building for a while."

"And then I kissed you and you kissed me. It felt good and I wanted it more, but how could I possibly want that?"

Thea shook her head to herself. She was getting somewhere, yet it still felt hard to say.

"It was unfair of me to want anything plus I did not know what was happening with me, so I did what I did best — I fled."

"I do not know all of the places I went to nor all of the things I did. I drank a lot, even by my own standards. Much of it is blurry and clouded by the drinks. I do know that I met a man and well… I did what I usually do to try to solve my problems. It did not help, of course."

She ran her fingers through her hair nervously. Her wife was well aware of her habits, but this time she felt guilty for sharing it.

"I left and came back here."

There was more for her to say, but at this point, it felt only right to let Aileigh speak.

[Aileigh]

It felt good to hear that the missing one another was mutual. They had, in reality, spent little time apart since they were wed. They moved in together immediately and lived their quiet lives alongside each other. To not have Thea near, or worse, to not even know where she was, was crippling in a way. She didn't realize how dependent she had grown to her spouse until the moment they sat together beneath the orange moon.

To hear that Thea was scared was shocking. She seemed like such a strong and confident individual. To know she was frightened was concerning. To know she was comfortable enough to admit being scared was reassuring. Aileigh listened to the rambling with an eager ear, wanting to understand. The words were interesting to hear. An insight into Thea's mind, then and now.

Aileigh found herself surprised. Not by the latter half regarding drinks and men - that was to be expected. It was the part about her feelings that caught her off guard. Thea and feelings were not always a good mix, but these feelings must have been foreign to her. The confusion, the fear. The love.

When Thea stopped speaking, Aileigh's eyes searched her face for a moment longer. She was not entirely sure what to say. "I understand things like this can be confusing. To begin with, I could never replace you, Thea. Not as a friend, not as a partner, not as... Anything. I couldn't nor shall I try to do so. Andrzej isn't a replacement nor is he a threat, I think. He's just an additional part of my messy life."

She paused, tilting her head with a faint smile. "I always found beauty with you. Physically, mentally, the whole thing. You are just... You. Such an individual with a strong personality and a cute nose. I had the biggest crush on you back in the beginning, although it did not motivate our arrangement - the crush came after we said our vows.

I have much love to give. It's not something I'm short on. I meant it when I said I loved you, just perhaps a bit differently than I did a year ago. It's deeper now. It's... I don't know."

No she was confused. Was it platonic or was it more? They had a strange relationship that was only growing more complicated.

[Thea]

Thea looked down and scratched at her ankle where a bug had just bitten at her flesh. Suddenly she felt lost again. She had been certain she was going somewhere with all that talk but now she felt more confused.

"I do not wish for you to stop seeing Andrzej, regardless of my jealousy. That would be unfair of me to ask and I also do not want that, not really."

The way Aileigh spoke about her made Thea blush slightly, which was unusual but so was everything about this interaction. The words were spoken in the past-tense though so it left Thea uncertain about now.

"Do you regret the kisses?"